Nonviolent Communication

Your feelings come from your own needs, expectations, and perceptions. Other people’s words and actions might trigger feelings in you, but they cannot cause those feelings.

Observe Without Evaluation

Separate observations from evaluations. Describe only what you can see or hear. Exclude your interpretations, analyses, or judgments.

I noticed that you are tapping your foot.

Your foot is tapping off the beat of the music.

Identify and Express How You Feel

Identify and express how you feel due to the observations. Be careful not to confuse your feelings with your thoughts or opinions.

I feel annoyed.

You're being annoying.

Identify and Express the Underlying Needs

Take emotional responsibility (rather than blaming others for how you feel), and identify the underlying needs or values that lead to your feelings.

I need peace and quiet to study.

You're interrupting my peace and quiet.

Make Requests to Meet Your Needs

Now convey clear, specific requests that would satisfy your needs. Listen to specific feedback about others’ thoughts/feelings in response to what you’ve just shared.

Can you please leave the room or stop tapping your foot?

For the love of god, stop tapping your foot.

Emergency Empathy

Used to cool down a simmering situation. Helps make the other person feel heard, forces them to introspect to answer your question.

Ask a question about what the other person is feeling to try and understand their perspective. Don't project your feeling onto the other person.

Are you feeling frustrated because other people aren't listening to you?

You seem angry because you can't regulate your emotions.

You look tired because you haven't slept in days.