Shame is all about and thrives in secrecy/darkness, and talking is a way to bring it out into the light. When we find other people to accept us and the things we find so shameful, it starts to heal us. Shame robs us of connection to others and is self-isolating, so the opposite action to that is to keep reaching out.
Re-parenting for Shame
All these successful reparative interventions happen with another being (real or mental) that possesses and uses the following four capacities when witnessing us:
- Reliably attentive: When they are there, they are actively listening and attended to our experience.
- Leads with empathetic understanding: They do not attempt to fix or judge the experience, only to understand it clearly.
- Soothing and calm when we are distressed: They do not become dysregulated or reactive when we are dysregulated. Note this does not mean they are trying to make us "feel better". Rather they are demonstrating these states are acceptable and endurable.
- Expresses delight in our growth: They are happy you are growing and changing, and they visibly demonstrate it.
Shame Loop
Yes absolutely. Mindfulness and getting used to sitting back and watching your thoughts really really helps.
I found the more i was able to step to one side of shame loops and activated emotions inside myself, the more i was able to catch myself in real life interactions. You can engage in mindfulness throughout the day, but a dedicated meditation practise even of 10-20 minutes a day really helps.
When I’m getting defensive I ask myself what i am defending really - and its not so much “me” as it is a story about myself that i have. like “i’m a good person” - being able to see these stories in real time, realising there is nothing really ‘there’ to be defensive of, is very freeing. People who deal with you in reactive ways are usually seeing mirrors of themselves, or projections of their fears. What they say and do doesn’t say anything about you or who you are.